Sunday long run done and dusted. Avg pace 5 mins per k at 138 hr. Felt surprisingly good. I’m currently sitting at 91kg, which is 20kg heavier than I probably should be if I want to run ‘well’ but I enjoy my gym sessions and I’m not ready to be a lanky beanpole runner just yet.
I think I can count on one hand the number of days, in my thirties, I spent walking around under 100kg. By the time I hit 36 I peaked out at 116kg. My ‘walking-around’ weight a decade prior was 75-77kg.
I’d always wanted to be bigger. Don’t ask me why. Insecurities, bullying, you name it. Most of us who dedicate our time to gaining unnatural levels of mass probably have something from our past driving the desire to crack the pavement with every step we take.
There wasn’t so much a concerted effort to lose 26kg of weight over the past 5-6 years, it happened, primarily, as a result of finding myself in a happy place - something I hadn’t experienced for a long time (due to no ones fault but my own).
For around 15 years I had counted calories. I was meticulous. No bad food aside from a single ‘cheat’ day per week (a day in which I would attempt to gain 10lbs over the course of 12 hours eating the crappiest food you could imagine). I would wake at 3am and be asleep by 9-9:30 each night. Cardio was avoided at all costs. I would switch between bulking and cutting, which meant I was in a permanent state of either horribly full or ravenously hungry. There was no such thing as eating freely or ‘intuitively’. This was what it took, I told myself.
The body dysmorphia that comes with this kind of lifestyle means that you’re never happy with how you look. Because you’ve seen yourself with abs after dropping bodyfat, it’s psychologically hard to watch yourself gain fat when bulking. Similarly, dropping weight (and therefore size) is also difficult. All it takes is one person to mention that you’re looking ‘smaller’ and the rest of your day is ruined.
Let me tell you this: being shredded is miserable. The fact that you look good cannot override the fact that you feel like dog shit and are absolutely no fun to be around. Conversely, having a bloated ‘moon-face’ when bulking is a very similar type of kick-in-the-nuts - your wallet getting lighter and thinner as it pays out for your new saddlebags and second chin.
So what happened? And do I find it hard being this much ‘smaller’?
In 2019 I found the person I was meant to be with. It’s as simple as that. I stopped counting calories. We go out for dinner or coffee and a pastry regularly. I make breakfast and lunch and she cooks for me in the evenings - different food each night! The freedom to not have to constantly think about what I’m eating and the breakdown of the macros etc is SO DAMNED GOOD. And guess what? I’m still happy with how I look. Being big and shredded was so important to me, until I hit 40. I think of it as a bit like rap music. When I was in my twenties, hardcore rap was cool. Nowadays, I can’t help but cringe when it comes on. That’s getting older I guess. Priorities change. Learning to finally not put so much focus on what other people might think of you and start doing what makes you happy is a drug that I can’t get enough of.
The second factor in my dropping weight was the feeling of becoming fit. Mass goes down, health and fitness go up. As someone who was a very heavy man for 10+ years, the feeling of being healthy and able to move just can’t be beaten.
Do I care that I’m not the biggest guy in the room anymore? I did, for a short period of time. Now it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. People at my gym know me as a runner. They’ve never known me as a heavyweight powerlifter. There is no imagined pressure to be a certain size for fear of letting others down if I drop a couple of kg. Yes, it’s nice to be told you’re ‘looking huge’ but should I let this dictate my level of health and happiness?
The simple fact is, running gives me a much bigger buzz than powerlifting ever did. And I’m getting better at it. At 40+ years old, I want to improve in the things I undertake. There is no way I am ever going to squat 250kg again - I’m just not prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to be back at that level. But I will run faster, stay leaner, fitter and (hopefully) happier than I was in my thirties.
Time will tell.